Do I get off at Nose or Ear?

The endless ins and outs of subway-riding culture never cease to amaze me. In the summer, you have to make sure the particular car you're walking into is air conditioned before you step into it. Especially if it's a car with one or more more homeless people already on it (which you should avoid 1: unless you plan on wearing eau de armpit that day and 2: unless you LIKE a little crazy with your morning coffee).

Next, you have to perfect the art of being aggressive enough to actually muscle your way IN to the damn car, but being careful NOT to touch anyone with more pressure than the normal brushing of clothes. If you do, you will be lucky to receive a look of condescending hatred. You will be unlucky to receive a much sharper shove back.

Then there are those brave, idiotic souls who venture BETWEEN cars while the train is still moving. This always fascinates me. I keep facing straight ahead, but with a careful watch out of the corner of my eye, my cell phone in-hand. I want to be prepared to snap a quick photo of their twisted body dangling to the tracks for the 6 o'clock news.

But my favorite. The one that is always good for a laugh are the people who sit on the part of the bench right in front of the subway map. It never fails that there will be that one person who has to study the map for at least five minutes. And if you're sitting in front of it, that means ducking your head left, right and downward until they're done. It's an incredibly awkward situation. And as long as it's not me, I giggle like mad. Note to newbies: the Times Square and Penn Station stops are especially good for this as they're typically tourist-saturated.

Here are some fantastic rules from New York Magazine:

Rules of the underground:
(1) Knees may be no more than six inches apart.
(2) If you can't control your offspring, watch as a stranger does it for you.
(3) What did we say about checking out the girls?
(4) The Post is only 25 cents—buy your own.
(5) Holding the subway door makes everyone on the train love you.
(6) As does loud music.
(7) Lie down on subway only if dead.